Did you know that helping your loved ones through times when they are upset builds deeper bonds than any other kind of interaction? Meltdowns could be seen as something to punish, ignore, or suffer through, but they are actually an opportunity to bond.
Life Examples
Let’s start with a scenario. Your child is throwing a toy up in the air and you tell them to please stop throwing the toy because they might break something. They pick it up and throw it again, but this time the toy does what you warned them against. It breaks. This results in your child bawling their eyes out because their toy is broken.
Does this sound like something that could happen in your home? What would be your first response to this situation?
Second scenario. Your child has a friend over. They are playing together nicely, when, next thing you know, your child is running to you screaming that their friend hit them in the face.
How would you respond?
These types of situations are common in raising children. I know that from the outside, it might feel like someone on social media or that blogger you follow or that family at church has it all figured out and has perfectly well-behaved children. They don’t. Every child goes through the process of learning to deal with emotions. Every child has meltdowns. Every child even has a tantrum! This is NORMAL, and I’ll tell you why.
Why Meltdowns are Normal
Ready for the secret?? It really isn’t rocket science… CHILDREN AREN’T BORN WITH ADULT BRAINS! They haven’t learned how to process and deal with all these feelings and emotions. They often don’t even understand what is going on! Even as adults, we struggle to control our temper, have patience, and deal with our emotions. How much harder is it for a little kid who has never had the practice?
The Sprinklers
Think of the event that triggers your child like a sprinkler that suddenly went on while you were walking through a field on a cold Autumn evening. Fight or flight (your primitive brain) kicks in and your first and only thought is to jump out of the sprinklers! Now imagine your friend tried to stop you and WHILE still getting drenched by the freezing cold sprinklers, tried to reason with you about what was going on. You wouldn’t appreciate your friend at all! All you care about in that moment is running out of the spray.
The Primitive Phase
DO NOT:
- Minimize their feelings. In the sprinkler analogy, this could be your friend saying “It’s just a bit of water. Stop overreacting”. With your child, it could be saying something like “It’s just a toy. It’s not a big deal!” or “that didn’t even look like it hurt” when their friend hit them.
- Side with the enemy. In the sprinkler analogy, this could be your friend saying “it’s our own fault for walking through the fields in the evening. The sprinklers always go on in the evening”. With your child, it could be saying something like: “Maybe your friend hit you because you weren’t being nice.”
- Teach. In the sprinkler analogy, this could be your friend saying: “Well, now you know not to go in the field next time.” With your child, it could be saying: “This is why I told you not to throw your toy! It wouldn’t be broken if you had been obedient.”
- Try to cheer up. In the sprinkler analogy, this could be your friend saying: “It’s ok, we will dry off soon!” With your child, it could be saying: “How about we go have some ice cream.”
DO:
- Recognize that this moment is an opportunity. Put your mindset in a place of calm and patience so that you can build that deep bond.
- Think: “They are in the sprinkler”. Understand that their primitive brain is active and if you try to teach, it not only won’t help your child in the moment, but it will make teaching harder in the future once they’ve cooled off.
- Show sympathy. Be calm. Show that you care. Let them know that they aren’t alone and that you are there for them.
The Cooling Down Phase
In this phase, you need to wait and be perceptive. Depending on the situation, the cooling off phase could take between two minutes and two days!
The Logical Brain Phase
DO NOT:
- Just move on. You might feel like letting it go, but talking about the experience as soon as they are done cooling off is the BEST time to help them work through and understand what happened.
- Think you have to fix it. You aren’t there to fix it. You are there to come closer with your child and let them know that you are there for them.
DO:
- Listen without defensiveness. Ask for their side of the situation. If you are the cause of anything your child brings up, resist the urge to be defensive.
- Have empathy. Put yourself in their shoes and verbalize your support and sympathy.
- Give advice sparingly. This is the time you can teach. Limit how much you say so that it doesn’t turn into a huge lecture. This could mean saying: “Lets try being gentle with our toys from now on.”
- Help label feelings. To your child, their feelings are a jumbled mess. They don’t understand all these big emotions! Helping them to label their feelings and sort through why they reacted the way they did can help them understand what is going on in their head and body.
- Establish limits and consequences. Now is the time you can give a consequence to their actions. Trying to do this sooner when they are in the primitive phase will only result in more tears and big emotions.
Trust the Process
This process has been backed by years of research and brain science. A lot of my research comes from humanimprovement.org so feel free to check them out for more info. Trust the process, try it out a few times, and see what happens. I’d love to hear your experiences in the comments!